Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize
