how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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