I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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