I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Randomize
