I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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