apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Randomize
