I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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