When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
FUCK WHALES
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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