paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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