my phone needs a breathalizer
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
