goodnight i made you a song goodbye
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
