mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
