i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
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