I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Randomize
