I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
