I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
