I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
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