Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Someone came in the potted fern
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
