smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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