My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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