I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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