Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
