i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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