Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
