I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
