hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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