guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
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