I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
