so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
