Is this a definitive no? All is forlorn? Such is fine, but i'm drunk and a sucker for concrete answers
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
It's shark week go big or go home
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
