I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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