I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
