you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
