I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
