i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
