She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
