You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
