3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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