I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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