she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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