im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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