i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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