the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
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