Your face is a jimmy john
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
