Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
