went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
