OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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