On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
