I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
