I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
