Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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